how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
