I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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