I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
