please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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