I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize