I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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