I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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