I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
