So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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