So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
