Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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