if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Randomize
