when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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