btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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