If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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