So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I pour the whiskey from now on
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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