Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
