You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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