mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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