At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
