We named our party play list daddy issues
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
