Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
