if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
