we have pet lesbian snakes
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
