I wish I could teleport
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
