when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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