The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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