Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
