I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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