"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
