I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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