so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
We just shotgunned beers for America
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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