He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
