i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
