eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize