I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
