So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
