As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
