I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Randomize
