Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
