My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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