babies were throwing up all over the place
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
