I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
