So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Even my vagina gasped.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
