she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize