My first STD was from a foam party
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
