Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
vagina is talking i cant
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
