Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
