my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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