I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
