we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
