his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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