i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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