when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
