so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
