I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
The uberlube is also flammable
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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