Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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