im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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