he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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